To who every is reading this... HELLO!!
I guess you know from this title what I plan to write about! If this is something that doesn't interest you well, feel free to click out! But if it doesnt affect you or if this does effect you, then please read on. Something shared is always something gained right?
I know lately I have done a few posts in Anxiety or have touched on it here and there. I have read alot of papers, media posts etc and something sparked something for me to write this. Dunno why, but hey I am going to go with it!
Do you ever wonder or doubt yourself in situations or your ability? Weather its a good idea to go here? Should you try rocking that skirt? Is that lip to bold? Is my hair ok? Do I sound weird? Am I making sense? Will I find something to talk bout with him/her? What will I say? How would he/she love me? Is there ever a day you self doubt yourself or a situation? Do you go through days where your so excited for that concert, night out, date, birthday etc and once the day comes you have completely exhausted and talked yourself out of the idea and the plan to go, because of the overthinking, the possible situations that may happen or the self doubt? Only to realize and regret the next day, why did`nt I go, I missed out!
The thoughts of what will I wear? Do I fit in? Who will be there? What if this happens? etc take over such a possible great and fun times. You have not only filled your head with negativity and regret, but also tired yourself out in every way. Why could`nt you have said "FUCK IT" (excuse moi french), why could`nt you have just gone and be like everyone else and not have cared. Anxiety thats why!
No matter how many times you promise yourself you will go next time, when the day comes about again, you are put back in that circle again.
Trust me I have been there and still do from time to time do that same thing. Not to make excuses, as much as people may think, its just the mindset and the actual fear of the unknown. I have backed out of parties, nights out, BBQs, events, the list goes on, all because I have literally visioned the possible outcome of the night, people, situations and I am like okay done it, dont want to live it as its to much work to make yourself try and you end up trying to hard, instead of relaxing and going with it.
I have come to the acceptance, thats who I am, but I have to gain the control for myself, to be smart to deal with whatever, but not let it stop me. I cant.! Somethings are not ment to be controlled. And anyone with Anxiety will tell you, that puts the fear of God in them.
Alot of people call me quiet, shy, sensible, not tough enough etc. But the way I try and explain Anxiety to people is. Think of your worse fear..Is it failure? Is it heights? Is it snakes? Is it water? Think about how you feel? The Adrenalin running through you, the fight or flight your body goes in, the panic, the thought "ohh no!!! " Well apply that to everyday, every little thing unknowingly to us and out of your control. From speaking, walking into a room, the thought of things to come, the possibility of future plans etc. Have you ever backed away from your fear? Well think of that how someone is feeling when they back out of a situation. Something or other scared them, something triggered the Fight or Flight and now the mind is working over time.
I myself am quiet hard on myself, I question my body, how I look, how I dress, how I speak, how I hold a conversation, does this person like me etc? Its something that unfortunately creeps up. I have been sick with worry about meeting people, going out etc and because of it have been off, or nervous and unsettled all night and did not enjoy it, as your senses or heightened, you see things differently and you hear things as a threat to you mentally and emotionally.
Thats why I describe Anxiety as like waking up and living with your greatest fear at every corner, as you do not know where it may or what will scare you next into self doubt etc.
Lately, I have found things hard personally, a massive change in my life. Things I felt happy or comfortable with, ripped from under me! Something I could have never controlled or can fix. With Anxiety control is a huge issue. We cannot control time, things, places or people. So accepting this is a huge step. Things change, and we have to just adjust to it, not matter if we dont want to or how hard it is. Its a real make or break situation in these cases. I choose in my case to make. Strangely it was something that broke me in ways but made me in others, I have looked and see things so different and have learned that I can do things and I just have to have some belief in myself. Something that isnt easy. But when you know you where a good person, or tried something, how can you fault any actions. We all make mistakes in life, but we have to just learn and try and move on in ways and not let them be a cross we carry forever. When a comfort blanket is removed, your Fight and Flight does kick in and you either fall or fly, trust me flying hurts less than the fall! When you cant control something it is a huge shock, weather its a breakup, loss of a job, a fight with a loved one, someone moves away, your being relocated etc. You are really thrown in the deep end , where the unknown is everywhere and new questions and situations come up. But they are better faced than ignored.
Don`t get me wrong, here I am talking about Anxiety and your thinking, hey this girl has her shite together, she has this one down, she is dealing with it, she is beating it! Little do people know! I still get that knot in my stomach, the sick feeling, the clammy hands, the dizzy spells and the ohh no, what ifs! But I have realized they are not lasting as long and I am not letting them. I have ways I like to now control them, things that I do to just calm myself and distract myself. And yes they work now and again, but there are times that they dont and they are the times I want to back out, but I try not to, and then realise, "why did I feel so nervous?" "It was great, I loved it". Its something I have to live with and like anyone that has asthma say, they use an inhaler to control an attack, well finding what works for you will do the exact same thing for your mind. Your lungs are organs that help you breath, but your brain is an organ that not only signals your body but makes your think! We need to look after to it in the same way.
The mind is so powerful. Just think, you speak or show a gesture like smile or cry to show people how you feel, but really do they ever know? You are the only person who can think or hear your thoughts. It is something you will always go through alone. We can never know how someone feels or thinks really, we can only imagine from what they express. Someone on the outside might show happy gestures, but what about in their mind, are they doubting themselves, have they a knot in their stomach with nervous? Like I explained with the fear, put yourself in that position and places the same feeling to anxiety doubled. Not a nice feeling. Feeling on the edge.
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But its nothing to be ashamed of. People everyday, are sharing their stories and sharing their coping techniques and how it may help the coming generations. We hear how our fathers, mothers, granddads, grannies and how they dealt with food, struggling, death, life challenges and its gotten harder and we end up having to discover and learning and growing more in finding solutions for new problems. Social media, Online bullying, Online trolls, smart phones, etc I could go on. So its hard for past generations to give us advice that applies now. And when we are 80, it will be hard for us the help the younger generation. Life and the world will grow. And that the way it goes, we cannot control it, only express when things are tough and speak about the unspoken and the unknown so people never feel alone. It is so easy to make yourself isolated and feel alone. When you cannot speak about something or how you feel , in fear of being judged or being told to toughen up or get over it can affect you for future speak. I can tell you, the person you least expect, may feel like you do, just they have found a different way to hide or deal with it till later or their fears are different to you, but still the same foundation.
I think anyone that has a mental illness weather is Anxiety, worrying, stress depression, I do feel they see the world differently, especially when things are good and controlled in their life. I think we pick up on things quicker and gives us more time to create a solution and we speak from a place that has maybe triggered a past feeling that you can empathize where someone is coming from. Someone who suffers, doesn't mean that they don't want to do anything, it just means they have no reassurance that it will be ok. So don't be afraid to offer that person support. It doesn't mean you have to hold their hand or ask them all the time "are you alright". It just means if they are in a position that they are uncomfortable in that they can come to you. Trust me a person with anxiety wont just burden anyone who will hear them or complain or off load, if they did, there would be no need for a the services available. It also doesn't mean they are broken! It means they just need to find the right time to let their hair down. And when they do, you may find a different person inside, someone that you like but scares them, as they are showing the real them. If that does happen, reassurance is key. As if reject, teasing etc become a part of it, that person will lock themselves up again. Ever think that person is shy, well if you get him/her talking, I bet they wouldnt shut up, or maybe they sing amazing or dance like beyonce. Acceptance is key. But also now and again anyone that does suffer, we all need to take chances, other wise, time will move on and we will be stuck in the same position and time in our minds are frozen and we will go nowhere.
As I have gotten older, the thought AM I HAPPY or WHAT WILL BE? Comes to mind. Will I marry? Am I happy with my partner? Will I have enough money? Do I make enough? I could go on, but I guess you get where I am coming from.. They are important questions, as the decisions we make, well make our path in life. But, they cannot stunt our life. Did we make the decision to get where we are, or did we just go along with it? If you made that choice, you need to think is their anything to fix, or is it just how you feel today, this week or always? And if you never expected to be where you where as it was a spur thought and thats lead to where you are now, what do you want? How will you get there? If you have no other greater plan for yourself and are questioning your life, maybe it isnt your life, maybe its self doubt and maybe its the fear and the wonder of the unknown.
Moving forward is important, no matter how scary it is, but moving back will not help anyone. I know my Anxiety has stopped me in ways, but I am lucky that I can control it when i can, but I also just ride the bad days, as tomorrow is a different day, days and months go on and things change and I have to look at it as, the time will come and go, so instead of worrying about something that hasnt happened, enjoy the ride until it gets bumpy. And no it isnt easy and yes I rarely take my own advice and yes I will fall weekly, monthly, yearly and many times in my life, but at least I got up to do it.
Even if you have not suffered anxiety, we all have some fear. A fear that in someways hold us back. Like flying, if you conquered that, could you be traveling the world? Could new opportunities work out or could you be living a dream? That fear is holding you back, so what are you afraid of, the height or the unknown or losing all control? Its pretty much the same.
Baby steps is key, and Rome wasnt built in a day, but once you can do it, life will not be as bad as it seems and the unknown may actually be a new opportunity, path or side of you that gives you the confidence to move on better.
I have taken some advice from various posts and papers and something I am aiming to try for in a year. Write 10 things that scare you. Say public speaking, heights, getting close to someone, talking to new people, changing your job etc. Tackle one at a time at your pace and your time, but I am sure we all will find out something new about ourselves and also learn something new and how to handle ourselves and other people and feeling out of control wont feel as hard to go with.
We are never just normal! In my book there is no such thing. We will always evolve and change as people so what is normal to us now or other people may change tomorrow or next year. So embrass yourself and who you are mentally and physically. As we are all built for a purpose in life, so live, feel and teach from our experiences. So let go at times, you never know you may like it.
A fear is only a negative thought that can be burst and changed by a positive one.
Yes, now I will have to take my own advice ! aye!
I hope this may show some inspiration and may help you in anyway possible.
If you have any thoughts about this etc, let me know through my contacts details.
I hope this did not bore you. If you made it to the end, then thank you!
Here is where you can find me...
Email: nataliekeanemua@gmail.com
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Thanks for reading.
*Disclaimer: I am no professional, and I do not claim to be, these are my own thoughts and feelings and something I suffer with and how I see things, I does not mean I am right etc, but it may help someone in a similar situation. I recommend if things are beyond your control to seek GP care and any mental care service*
